Laying Down and Dying

"In the mundane tasks of living
In the pouring out and giving
In the waking up and trying
In the laying down and dying
This kingdom's coming"


As a mother, I can relate to the first three lines of these Sara Groves lyrics. When I first heard this song ("Kingdom Comes") I thought the "laying down and dying" line was kind of odd and depressing because I thought she was literally talking about dying. (I can be kinda slow when it comes to poetry.) I later realized Sara was referring to the concept of dying to self .

I've come to believe that the perfect laboratory to experiment with the concept of dying to self is parenthood. Nothing else brings out our worst, most selfish selves like parenthood does. Of course it also calls out our best selves at times, but most often it confronts me with this ugly person I'd never met before I had kids.

"The greatest advantage of not having children must be that you can go on believing that you are a nice person. Once you have children, you realize how wars start."
Fay Weldon

I recently had the realization that I am a spoiled child. It came to me one day as I was dealing with my daughter's newly acquired habit of arguing. My frustration was escalating and the thing I usually go to in order to cope with my frustration was the thing I'd committed to abstain from for that day. That made me even more frustrated. In that moment of suddenly coming to the end of myself, I buried my face in my hands and prayed a prayer of desperation. Tears came as I felt God reveal something difficult and important to me - My daughter's struggle with me about not getting her way is also my struggle with God about not getting my way.

I was reminded of something I’d read by Dan Allender who said that every child in a thousand different ways asks two core questions: "Am I loved?" and "Can I get my own way?" He said that our task as parents is to say "yes" to the first question and "no" to the second. Of course we and our children do sometimes get what we desire, but in general we are to teach our children, and learn for ourselves, that life is not about getting our own way. To realize that we are liked, loved, and adored by God, and to let him have his way in our lives because we know it is imeasurably better than our own way - this is the stuff of abundant life.

By divine “coincidence”, the sermon at church yesterday focused on these words of Jesus.

“I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The one who loves her life will lose it, while the one who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. All those who want to be my disciples must come and follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And if they follow me, the Father will honor them. ” (John 12:24-26)

"Dying to self," "surrender," "sacrifice" – these are the words and themes that I have been pondering and wrestling with for over a month (and that came out of my pastor’s mouth verbatim yesterday). There have been so many divine “coincidences” like that lately. I feel God moving, speaking, stretching, and teaching me in ways I haven’t for a very long time. It’s hard and good and exciting all at the same time! I'd wish this kind of death on anyone! ;-)

Kitchen Sink Spirituality

"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you guard all that is mine." - Psalm 16:5

I discovered this little spiritual exercise in My Monastery is a Minivan (the book I keep mentioning by Denise Roy). It's something you can do first thing in the morning at the kitchen sink. All you need is a small empty bowl which you will slowly fill to the brim with running water. You turn the water on so that just a tiny steady stream comes out and then proceed to let the water slowly fill up your bowl.

"As the bowl fills, you reflect on the particulars of your life, whatever they are. The people with whom you share your time, your state of health, whatever problems you face, what skills and strengths you have, your disappointments and successes, your worries, your personal gifts, your personal limitations, your home, all your possessions, your losses, your history as a human being. As the bowl fills, you receive your life openheartedly and unconditionally as your portion."

When the bowl is full, you can simply set it next to the sink or on the windowsill over the sink as a reminder throughout the day. At the end of the day, pour out the water and set the bowl upside down on the counter as "a process of letting go, of waiting until the morning light to once again receive all that life holds."

"The kitchen sink is as good a place as any to begin a daily practice. Given that we spend more time there than we do many other places in our home, it can be a powerful space to practice mindfulness and receptivity. There, we can begin to embrace the whole - all that is clean as well as all that is dirty; all the joys as well as all the sufferings - experiencing the wisdom of the kitchen sink and the development of a grateful heart."

Psalm 73:26
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

A Small Quote from a Great Woman (or A Great Quote from a Small Woman)

“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.”
- Mother Teresa

I first heard this quote about nine years ago. It’s one of those quotes that have stuck with me, popping up on my radar again and again to offer me truth and perspective. It first impacted me when I started working at George Fox University and felt completely inadequate in my position. I was comforted by the realization that I didn’t have to be spectacular in my work; I just needed to focus on loving students. Later a group of 20 college students and I pondered these words during our eye-opening, heart-opening visit to India. Now, in a completely different season of life, these words showed up on the new Sara Groves cd, once again grounding me in reality.

A year ago, the Census Bureau reported there were 5.4 million stay-at-home-moms in the U.S. It’s hard for me to feel like I’m doing something great when I’m doing the same thing as 5.4 million other people. Somewhere in my thinking, the idea of greatness got tied to the idea of uniqueness. And somewhere in my priorities the idea of being great got tied to the idea of what’s really important in this life.

Jesus, in his typical fashion, went and turned the concept of greatness upside down.
The apostles got into an argument about which one of them was the greatest. So Jesus told them:
“Foreign kings order their people around, and powerful rulers call themselves everyone's friends. But don't be like them. The most important one of you should be like the least important, and your leader should be like a servant. Who do people think is the greatest, a person who is served or one who serves? Isn't it the one who is served? But I have been with you as a servant.”
- Luke 22:24-27 (CEV)

Hmm… so according to Jesus, greatness equals service. Blast!

In that case, I guess I would add an extra little tag to Mother Teresa’s quote. “We can do no great things, only small things with great love. (This is true greatness).” We may have to relinquish power and position, but Jesus never said service had to be boring or that it had to look the same for everyone. I may have the same job title as 5.4 million other American women, but at least I can go about my small things with not only great love, but also great individuality!

Desperation

I haven’t seen the show Desperate Housewives but I think might after reading a couple of the show’s reviews on the Hollywood Jesus website. If you watch the show, I’d love to hear why you like it. Check out this excerpt from one of the reviews.

"We all have moments of desperation," Mary Alice Young narrates. Desperation points to a hole within us, a hole we want to fill by any means necessary. Stephen King once wrote a book titled Desperation whose main theme was that if you weren't in a state of faith, you were in a state of desperation. It all boils down to the conversation that Gabrielle has with her gardener-turned-lover. When asked why she married her husband, she answers "Because he promised to give me everything I ever wanted." Since the husband, in fact, gave her all of those things, yet this gardner still finds himself in bed with her, he logically asks "Then why aren't you happy?" She tells him that it "turns out that I wanted all the wrong things."

I can relate to that statement. I couldn’t have said this two years ago, but today I can admit that there is a darkness and sickness in my soul that actually desires the things that would eventually destroy me. Frederick Buechner said, "Lust is the craving for salt of a man who is dying of thirst!" Can you imagine being collapsed on the ground in the middle of a desert, literally dying of thirst, and craving salt?! Instead of craving that which would help, heal and give us life, we often crave what would hurt, humiliate, and ultimately destroy us.

Desperation is also a theme in Switchfoot’s music. (Yes I’m still entrenched in their new cd “Nothing is Sound”).

Desperate we are young. Separate we are one.
I want more than my desperation. I want more than my lonely nation.
(“Lonely Nation”)

Is this the new year or just another night
Is this the new fear or just another fright
Is this a new tear or just another desperation
Is this the finger or just another fist
Is this the kingdom or just a hit and miss
I miss direction most in all this desperation
(“The Blues” written on New Year’s Eve)

Lately I’ve been asking God to transform my desires so that my desires match up with his desires. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Proverbs 37: 4) I’ve come to realize that this proverb doesn’t mean that if I obey God he will grant me whatever my little heart desires. It means that as I delight in who God is and in my relationship with him, he will actually give me new desires to replace the messed up ones that formerly occupied my heart; desires that when fulfilled will bring me wholeness, freedom, and joy.

Desiring to Desire

Last night I had an amazing experience of God through hitting the keys of my laptop. I was writing without editing myself, just letting the words flow out however they came, using Psalm 119:33-40 as my launching pad. It was an "assignment" from the bible study I'm in at my church.

Psalm 119 is about loving God's word, which I'm embarrassed to say, I haven't been able to relate to. I know I should love God's word, it's just that I know I don't. In my head I know that scripture is important, but that is obviously not the same thing as loving it. In some ways I resist the idea of loving scripture because I've known people who appear to love "God's word" more than they love God. I want to love God more than the bible.

I realize that if I love God I will also love listening to him, through the use of his words both written in scripture and sensed in my heart. The people I love most in this life, my husband Andy for example, are the ones I love to converse with. I love talking and listening to Andy and I love that he loves talking and listening to me. I think this is how it is with God - we converse by both doing our share of listening and talking.

That's what's so cool about this weekly writing exercise. It's like we're conversing with God using a passage of scripture. I read/listen to God's words (type one verse). Then I take a turn at talking by responding to what God just said (I type my emotional response to and questions about what God said). Then God speaks again while I listen (I type another verse). Etc.

What was so amazing about last night's experience was that I started out feeling so numb and apathetic. I was typing verses that said things like "I long to obey your commandments" and "Give me eagerness for your decrees" and I felt that I couldn't honestly say those words for myself. I longed for a chocolate chip cookie early in the day and for a piece of the Halloween stash that Andy had hidden,but I couldn't honestly say that I had longed to obey God's commandments at any point in the day (or week).

I could honestly say "Give me an eagerness for your word" because I know I'm eager to have an eagerness. And this is where the transformation came. As I began to rant about how closely I resemble one of those idiotic sheep in the bible and how I wanted to quit wandering away from my Shepherd and instead draw near to him, God actually starting changing my longings and desires. I was typing away and crying as I felt God changing my heart through our conversation. He was with me, answering my plea to wake me up to his reality and to stir in my heart a desire for the things he desires. It was incredible!