Last night I had an amazing experience of God through hitting the keys of my laptop. I was writing without editing myself, just letting the words flow out however they came, using Psalm 119:33-40 as my launching pad. It was an "assignment" from the bible study I'm in at my church.
Psalm 119 is about loving God's word, which I'm embarrassed to say, I haven't been able to relate to. I know I should love God's word, it's just that I know I don't. In my head I know that scripture is important, but that is obviously not the same thing as loving it. In some ways I resist the idea of loving scripture because I've known people who appear to love "God's word" more than they love God. I want to love God more than the bible.
I realize that if I love God I will also love listening to him, through the use of his words both written in scripture and sensed in my heart. The people I love most in this life, my husband Andy for example, are the ones I love to converse with. I love talking and listening to Andy and I love that he loves talking and listening to me. I think this is how it is with God - we converse by both doing our share of listening and talking.
That's what's so cool about this weekly writing exercise. It's like we're conversing with God using a passage of scripture. I read/listen to God's words (type one verse). Then I take a turn at talking by responding to what God just said (I type my emotional response to and questions about what God said). Then God speaks again while I listen (I type another verse). Etc.
What was so amazing about last night's experience was that I started out feeling so numb and apathetic. I was typing verses that said things like "I long to obey your commandments" and "Give me eagerness for your decrees" and I felt that I couldn't honestly say those words for myself. I longed for a chocolate chip cookie early in the day and for a piece of the Halloween stash that Andy had hidden,but I couldn't honestly say that I had longed to obey God's commandments at any point in the day (or week).
I could honestly say "Give me an eagerness for your word" because I know I'm eager to have an eagerness. And this is where the transformation came. As I began to rant about how closely I resemble one of those idiotic sheep in the bible and how I wanted to quit wandering away from my Shepherd and instead draw near to him, God actually starting changing my longings and desires. I was typing away and crying as I felt God changing my heart through our conversation. He was with me, answering my plea to wake me up to his reality and to stir in my heart a desire for the things he desires. It was incredible!