Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Desiring to Desire

Last night I had an amazing experience of God through hitting the keys of my laptop. I was writing without editing myself, just letting the words flow out however they came, using Psalm 119:33-40 as my launching pad. It was an "assignment" from the bible study I'm in at my church.

Psalm 119 is about loving God's word, which I'm embarrassed to say, I haven't been able to relate to. I know I should love God's word, it's just that I know I don't. In my head I know that scripture is important, but that is obviously not the same thing as loving it. In some ways I resist the idea of loving scripture because I've known people who appear to love "God's word" more than they love God. I want to love God more than the bible.

I realize that if I love God I will also love listening to him, through the use of his words both written in scripture and sensed in my heart. The people I love most in this life, my husband Andy for example, are the ones I love to converse with. I love talking and listening to Andy and I love that he loves talking and listening to me. I think this is how it is with God - we converse by both doing our share of listening and talking.

That's what's so cool about this weekly writing exercise. It's like we're conversing with God using a passage of scripture. I read/listen to God's words (type one verse). Then I take a turn at talking by responding to what God just said (I type my emotional response to and questions about what God said). Then God speaks again while I listen (I type another verse). Etc.

What was so amazing about last night's experience was that I started out feeling so numb and apathetic. I was typing verses that said things like "I long to obey your commandments" and "Give me eagerness for your decrees" and I felt that I couldn't honestly say those words for myself. I longed for a chocolate chip cookie early in the day and for a piece of the Halloween stash that Andy had hidden,but I couldn't honestly say that I had longed to obey God's commandments at any point in the day (or week).

I could honestly say "Give me an eagerness for your word" because I know I'm eager to have an eagerness. And this is where the transformation came. As I began to rant about how closely I resemble one of those idiotic sheep in the bible and how I wanted to quit wandering away from my Shepherd and instead draw near to him, God actually starting changing my longings and desires. I was typing away and crying as I felt God changing my heart through our conversation. He was with me, answering my plea to wake me up to his reality and to stir in my heart a desire for the things he desires. It was incredible!

5 comments:

Erinn said...

I can really relate to what you're saying. I too am eager to have an eagerness for God's Word.

Erinn said...

I think that was my very first blog comment... how am I doing? =) It's hard to put in writing what I could so easily communicate in verbal conversation.

Marta said...

Wow, your first blog comment, I'm very honored! You're doing awesome. :-) These written 'conversations' with God have been really meaningful for me. I continue to ask God to transform my desires so that I'll seek after what will ultimately fulfill me rather than pursue what will ultimately destroy me.

Diana said...

That's so cool,God is so amazing how He just speaks and His words can change our hearts. I can relate to wanting to love God's Word but having to start with the desire then trust God to change my mind and my heart. One good thing about being on the road to healing is God uses it to make me constantly aware of my lack of sufficiency and His soveriegnty. It reminds me I can't make it through this life without Him. I have to run to Him and fall down and say, "God you're what I need." He reminds me to keep my eyes focused on Him and take in His love for me. He promises to take care of the rest when we follow Him.

Marta said...

Diana, thanks for your words. I'm going to 'steal' that prayer "God, you're what I need." My unspoken prayer most days is "Sugar, you're what I need." Have you heard of the term "breath prayer"? It's a very short and simple prayer that you repeat as often as you can remember to throughout the day, like breathing. "God,you're what I need" is going to be my breath prayer tomorrow.